When you’re in a high-stakes situation, pay attention to:
Are we coming closer together or moving further apart?
In general, having your attention on the structure of the communication (rather than lost in the details of the content/situation) really helps.
Watch for language that emphasises difference and polarity, or words that reinforce similarity.
There are no rules for what to do when you notice convergence or divergence.
Pushing too early for convergence can lead to false ‘agreement’.
However, just noticing you are in the divergence part can mean you keep things in perspective.
Moving apart is often a necessary part of coming to a real resolution.
Allowing it to happen as a natural step in the sequence of events can keep communication moving.
Comments: Is that useful as a barometer? How do you notice moving apart or coming together? Anything you notice about divergence/convergence in general?
Comment policy:
(a) Half-baked, unfinished thoughts very welcome. Systems With Capital Letters? Not so much.
(b) Feel free to share your own experience, but no advice, please.
(c) Be nice.
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Twitter: Musicfanmic
Thank you, Andrew, for another interesting and informative article. It reminded me of a position I once held as a Union Job Steward at a telecommunication company before I retired. The responsibilities of such a position are akin to the nature of an arbitrator: to speak up for an individual filing a grievance even if its content is riddled with either personal biases or factual documentation of discrimination, and yet at the same time support company Code of Business Conduct when such charges were proved untrue. During my stead in that position I found that 80% of grievances filed were plagued with quarreling paralysis due to either party misunderstanding (willful or not) unrealistic outlooks of implemented company programs and rules or the lack to appreciate (willful or not) human ability.
Also as a Union Job Steward (I label, cautious onlooker) I found it easier to observe a few other things: how breakdown in communication between management and employee begins, how either party finds difficult accepting solution and resolution, which pave such crossroads, and how to maintain healthy lines of communications towards a common goal for both parties even when personal feelings become monumental.
Each and every company has a few hard and fast rules that do not always work. However, a few managers tend to hold onto some of their rules with a kung fu grip and a few employees tend to over-dramatize the condition of hard work, there must be communication and compromise.
Although, I must admit and state that observing the myriad of grievance meetings as a Union Job Steward was educational for me because I learned allot about myself: how headstrong I tend to be when I know what I am talking about but I lack empathy with my presentation of such facts, and how easy it is for me to misunderstand and label the failings of individuals as the lone blame when it is the mixture of my emotions taking the lead and my tendency towards knee jerk responses.
Thank you sir!
Wow. WOW! What a job…
Sounds like a fast-track to understanding conflict.
Not sure I’d want that day-in-day-out though.
Brave man!