So, I did something (small) that ruined something (relatively unimportant).

Someone I Care About said, ‘Ah well, that was a dumb thing to do, but we all do dumb things from time to time…’

This really triggered a reaction in me.

‘It wasn’t dumb, how was I supposed to know you weren’t supposed to do that, it seemed like a good idea, you weren’t there to help…’ etcetera etcetera, Defensive Disco Remix.

Turns out, it was the word ‘dumb’ that I was reacting to.

Dumb is a heavily negative word for me (I realised).

Eventually, like a good boy, I checked it out.

***

Me: When you say ‘dumb’, I get angry, because that feels like a very very critical word for something so small…

The Someone: What word would you prefer?

Me: [thinks]… ‘Silly’?

TS: Oh, I think ‘silly’ sounds like I’m talking to you like a child. ‘Dumb’ is a throwaway word, very light, for me.

Me: Oh. Ok. Totally the opposite for me.

TS: Ok, I’ll try not to use it that way again.

Me: And I’ll try to hear it the way you intend it.

***

Now, if you’d asked me, I would have had no doubt at all that the word ‘dumb’ was a very strong word.

Sometimes, we use the same word with, if not a totally different meaning, then at least with a radically different slant.

Just, you know, a reminder for you.

Comments: I love it when you comment. Does this sound familiar? Has this happened around words for you? Have you found an effective way of checking it out? Or, in general: ‘Words don’t mean things, people mean things.’ Discuss.

Comment policy:

(c) Be nice.

Related posts:

1. Deliberate uncertainty – the second pillar
2. The missing 90 per cent

In order to have a coherent experience, we have to delete 99.9% of the data coming into our system from our conscious awareness.

If we saw and experienced it all, we would go crazy.

Yet we go in to situations with parts of us so certain.

Certain of what’s happened, what’s been said, what people are thinking…

Certain of what’s likely to happen.

Certain of what’s right or wrong, good or bad, how things should be.

Here’s a suggestion.

Presume you only know 10%.

How would you behave if you were missing 90% of the data in the situation?

(Because you are…)

Do you really know what the other person is feeling? What their intentions were when they said that?

What if your memory turns out to not be quite accurate? It happens in eyewitness testimony all the time.

10 per cent…

Comments: Ah, the comments, how I love ‘em. Think of a situation you’re in right now. What if it turned out you were missing most of the key information? How might that change things?

(b) Be nice.

Related posts:

1. Deliberate uncertainty – the second pillar
2. That’s not what I meant!

One of the most life-altering books I have read in recent times is Robert Burton’s On Being Certain.

In it, he shows how certainty is just a sensation. Yet, we trust this sensation beyond any kind of appeal to reason. We ‘just know’.

It seems to me that certainty is the at the root of a great deal of conflict, crisis and stress.

We go in certain that we are right, or at least certain about the appropriateness of aspects of our approach to the topic.

Think about the last altercation/argument/disagreement you had with someone.

You knew what the real problem was, right? You were being relatively sane, whilst they were being somewhat inflexible, right? You pretty much knew what the right solution was, right?

The kicker: they ‘knew’ that too.

The more certain we are, the more we push, the more the other person pushes back, etcetera, etcetera…

Reverse debating

The skills of rhetoric and critical thinking that we learn in order to ‘win’ arguments turn out to be pointed in the wrong direction.

You don’t bring things to a level of resolution by being more certain of your perspective.

The key is to point those critical thinking tools at your own thinking.

How might you be wrong?
What data have you deleted/distorted?
Where might you have got the wrong end of the stick?

It’s like reverse debating.

And there’s magic in it.

Weird but true.

(Certainty also plays a role in the problematic emotions we feel. We’ll get to that later…)

Comments: I love comments. Uncertainty, eh? What’s your reaction to hearing you need to be less certain? Thoughts… type ‘em!

Comment policy:

(a) Half-baked, unfinished thoughts very welcome. Systems With Capital Letters? Not so much.

(b) Be nice.

Related posts:

1. Emotional fluency – the first pillar
2. Listening: the third pillar
3. The missing 90 per cent