Here’s what I might want taught to kids and adults about conflict resolution, in an if-I-ruled-the-world-it-would-be-a-hell-of-a-lot-more-peaceful-and-fair kind of way.

(I’ve been reading Seth Godin‘s new book Linchpin: Are You Indispensable?(affiliate link) all morning, and I got all manifesto-ey. The below was mainly written on my phone walking along the street about five minutes ago. Therefore, er, not totally complete. Feel free to ‘complete’ it in the comments. I’ll take silence as acquiescence to my Master Plan. Muhaha, etc.)

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Andrew’s Tentative Manifesto For A More Peaceful World

~ Sometimes other people see things in such an appallingly ridiculously different way from you, and it still doesn’t mean that they are wrong. Nor that you’re right.

~ Calmness is not necessarily the thing – people do all kinds of terrible things without getting worked up in the slightest.

~ If we can learn what these things look and more importantly feel like, it might make reduce their efficacy: emotional manipulation, propaganda, fundamentalism.

~ If we had a working knowledge of these things, people might make more sensible decisions: cognitive biases, statistics, probability.

~ Speak on what you feel strongly in a way that can be heard. Hint: start with providing tentative conclusions, encouraging criticism and discussion (if your idea is any good, it can take it) and using emotional language sparingly.

~ Distrust both drama and the feeling of certainty.

~ Learn the effects of emotions on the ability to process information, and guard against those effects.

~ Practice listening without interrupting either out loud or silently.

~ Appreciate that certainty does not equal truth.

~ Guard against the urge to evangelise – god speaks only to you about you, not through you to others. If she wants to speak to anyone else, let her do it direct. Short version: let your example be the inspiration.

~ Above all, make it a priority to stay conscious and open to the present moment.

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Now where do I find the boss around here?

Related posts:

1. Provisional thoughts about being less certain
2. Navigating conflict
3. If the world is provisional, certainty is insanity

Update: Realised too late that I should have called this post I’m Dreaming Of A Fight Christmas. Damn. I hate missed opportunities for puns. Especially seasonal ones. Next year…

Well, all you Buddhists, yoginis, and other students of mindful communication – you’re in danger of having an unnaturally peaceful holiday season.

And in danger of putting me out of the conflict resolution business. Before I’m in it, actually.

Want to practice your conflict resolution techniques?

You’d better make sure that there’s some conflict, eh?

Fighting at Christmas doesn’t just happen, you know. It takes planning and effort.

Here are my tips…

1. Plan the perfect Christmas

The first thing is to imagine your perfect Christmas.

Who’s going to be there, how they’re going to behave, how you’re going to feel, how the food is going to taste, what time things need to be ready…

How happy you’ll feel with your gifts, how happy others will feel with their gifts…

Plan to be calm, laughing, efficient, together, relaxed, and mature.

The whole time.

2. Do the Silent Fight

Another bit of planning is to think of all the things your family will say to you, all the critical things, all the disappointment, all the old issues, all the guilt…

Make sure you really have those fights in detail in your head, what they’ll say, what you’ll say, what they said that year, what you should have said…

Then when they bring up the topic in any way, you can be ready to blow up at them at a moment’s notice.

Particularly good times to invest in this practice is when you’re shopping for Christmas food, wrapping Christmas presents or cleaning in preparation for people arriving.

It’ll pay off in unexpected ways.

3. Feed everyone else, but not yourself

Low blood sugar. Helps.

4. Make sure you are always with someone

Time on your own – it’s no good.

5. Decide that this year there’ll be no fighting

Despite doing the Silent Fight, expect to not fight.

Zero tolerance.

Then you’ll notice any opportunity and you can immediately maximise it.

6. Make everything your business

Their feelings, your feelings, their behaviour… everything.

In fact not just your business, but your responsibility.

7. Resist everything you’re feeling

Whatever you’re feeling, try not to feel it.

Don’t worry – resistance doesn’t make the feelings go away…

Resistance leads to aggression popping up all over the place.

Yay – more fights!

8. Expect everyone else to communicate in exactly the way you want them to

If you’ve been reading stuff about non-violent communication, or conflict resolution, it’s really time that everyone else behaves the way you’d like them to.

So, if anyone communicates in any way that isn’t totally emotionally responsible, makes sure you tell them, in no uncertain terms.

9. Make this a test of your ability to stay peaceful

Christmas is the perfect time to implement everything you’ve ever read about mindfulness, conflict resolution and being peaceful.

Go for a perfect score.

It’ll be great.

***

Hope that helps.

Good luck!

See you on the other side… <twinkles fingers>

Related posts:

1. My Year of Opening
2. Provisional thoughts about being less certain
3. Permission