These days, when I say, ‘You might be right,’ I often really mean it.
I remember when I first started working as an internal training officer (several life-times ago), I attended an assertiveness class. Phrases like ‘You might be right,’ and ‘Could be,’ were labelled ‘Verbal Judo’ or something, and were ways of taking someone’s challenge and allowing it to move past by not resisting it.
However, I’m beginning to realise that, well, you might be right.
Looking for hard in a fluid world
One Buddhist concept that helps me find some breathing space is the concept of finding ground.
In my very unscholarly way, this means that we are constantly looking to find something solid, something to hold on to.
Suffering, so the teaching goes, comes from trying to find ground in a world that is always and ever-changing.
And, really, there is no ground.
Because how do we know anything?
It’s possible that part of my experience is a hallucination. It’s possible.
It’s possible that my consciousness is an illusory by-product of my biology.
It’s possible that we live in the Matrix/a dream…
It’s possible that we are cells in the consciousness of the Squid-god.
It’s possible.
It’s also possible that I misremember.
It’s possible that I got the wrong end of the stick.
It’s possible that I’m missing some data.
It’s possible that I jumped to the wrong conclusion.
It’s possible that the people who raised me/taught me were wrong.
It’s possible.
In fact, it’s impossible to totally know.
I think.
The Challenger Experiment
Robert Burton quotes a study in his book On Being Certain.
In brief, on the day of the Challenger disaster, people were asked to write down where they were when they heard the news of the explosion.
A few years later, the participants were asked to review what they had written.
Often, their memory of where they’d been was different from what they’d written.
Thing is, they defaulted to their sense of certainty in the face of the data.
In fact, people were recorded has saying things like:
‘That’s my handwriting, but that’s not what happened.’
We are built to believe our sense of certainty.
So, yes, (seeing as this is a Speak So You Can Be Heard week), I’m saying that if you keep your words provisional, you will spark less conflict and so be more easily heard.
But I’m also saying that anything else flies in the face of the way life is set up.
Your words better be provisional because our experience of life is provisional.
It seems to me.
Maybe.
(Anyone want a ‘Certainty is Insanity’ tshirt?)
Please feel free to disagree with me.
Because, you know, you might be right.
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: pearlmattenson
I like this a lot Andrew. This quality of having a healthy dose of humility about the things we think we know is something I think is essential for leaders (i.e. all of us) and one sadly too rarely do we experience it.
And I love that it is not just saying the words “you could be right” but being willing to REALLY TRULY suspend your sense of what you know and imagine you are wrong. @danielleLaPorte recently tweeted to that effect-something like, what if we are all wrong…
PEARL!
Yeah, I’m interested in how this has become an honest change over the past few months – by devoting my time to getting less certain I have genuinely become less certain!
And, yes, genuine humility is a part of it…
they defaulted to their sense of certainty in the face of the data
Scary but common. I’ve done it myself, without intending to. I’ve always loved the Robert A. Heinlein quote about getting the facts – I think he was seeing the same challenges in looking for hard in a fluid world:
“What are the facts? Again and again and again – what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history” – what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!”
He had a job role in one of his most famous books, Stranger In A Strange Land, called a Fair Witness. The job was basically being a witness to the facts in a situation, without any extrapolation. For example, a Fair Witness, when asked what color the house on that hill was, would reply “It’s white on this side”. Not “It’s white.” Because perhaps it wasn’t, in the areas out of sight.
Hey Karilee
My S was talking about the Fair Witness – in fact he practiced it for a while. I truly think that if we could develop that capacity (as part of us, and not to an annoying extent) we could find our way more… smoothly in the world.
It’s just that feelings/patterns/worldview, etc, warp our view of the facts and we don’t notice.
Might have to have a read of that myself…
I like it! Primo Levi wrote a lot about how memories change. He said that often what we remember is not the event, but the last time we told the story about the event. And the story can change depending on who we’re telling it to and why we’re telling it.
You’ve got a great writing style. I hope you know it!
Hi Josh
I’ve been doing some reading about memory. Seems that our model of memories-as-files-in-a-vault is actually not very accurate, and it is more that we recreate each memory afresh each time.
Problem is that memory feels so monolithic.
Ah, the feelings.
(And thanks for the compliment on the writing style – I accept graciously and with a grinning heart.)
Twitter: simonebernhard
Yes, again, yes! My favorite ambiguity/provisionalism is to add this to the end of a sentence…unless _____ not.
It’s all good. Unless it’s not.
Unwavering support, however, for you and your eye-opening posts.
Fact.
@Simone – ‘Unless it’s not…’ Have to roll that one around in my head for a bit…
@Michelle – repeat after me: My family are not my guinea pigs, My family are not my guinea pigs…
Unless they are.
*innocent blinking*
wow, thanks, andrew.
i sometimes think of this in terms of “truth.” and how that can change, and how it’s different for each person. is anything we feel or know “true” forever? hmmm… i wonder.
love the “you might be right.” i’ll have to try it with my husband =)