I’d like to make this a real update of what I notice is different from last week. Before I go through the notes I’ve been making, let me talk a little about what’s been going on.
Much as my week was meant to be focused on being less certain, this week has mainly been a product of my daily hour-walks listening to Pema Chödrön.
(These became Pema-walks in response to encouragement from Jen Louden to take my walk when I was tempted to stay in the warm. Thank goodness!)
Conflict-y type noticings
Pema-walks
Now, I’m not a Buddhist, and haven’t done much reading/studying about Buddhist practices. I am a (virtually) daily meditator, but not in that tradition.
However, somehow I ended up downloading Pema’s Getting Unstuck from audible.com, and have been hooked on listening to her teaching what I have learned to call the dharma – the teachings.
(I am so new to Buddhism, that I can’t think of Dharma without Greg…)
However, being so far from my meditation teacher, I’m finding such help from listening to a teacher talk about opening and awakening.
What strikes me most is how much in-depth mapping has been done by The Buddhists (sorry to aggregate in my ignorance) of the mind and emotions, and how relevant so much of it is to us now, and, hell, to me now.
Ventilation
What I am noticing from my, er, 3 weeks of listening to Pema, is that there is more space, a tiny bit more light between a trigger and my response, a touch more consciousness even in the midst of a reaction.
So… I’m finding that listening daily to some quality teaching is helping me to remember.
Remembering
Hmmm – remembering. It seems that a great deal of being conscious in the midst of the world is about remembering.
I’m just beginning to listen to Pema talking about the use of slogans, pithy instructions that are designed to pop up and remind you in the midst of the mess of the world.
Makes me think that the same thing might turn out to be useful in my (our) exploration of conflict.
Triggers
As I was posting my Mum-in-law’s Christmas cards, I realised that I checked each one as it was going in.
When I was a kid, I did my LAMDA speech and drama exam (at a very low level). Long story short, I posted the exam card (the only proof) into the post box with a letter, and me and my Mum had to wait four hours for the postie to get the card back.
Thing is – the alarm is still on. Er, 20-something years later.
Been noticing this with a lot of triggers – even though the trigger thinks it’s still relevant, there’s some room to feel it and not act on it.
There’ll turn out to be more to this, I wouldn’t wonder.
The mind tries to sabotage its own demise by trying to move things fast
I’m noticing that by really changing my expectations about how fast change happens, it’s like I gain some real purchase and things actually change.
The thought to go faster seems to be just a strategy to stop change happening.
Self-righteous fundamentalism
Pema talked about one of the most reliable places to look is when you’re feeling self-righteous, and noticing it’s not about the content (what side you take), but the pattern of being certain.
More to that too.
Constant straining at the leash
One of the main things I’ve noticed (as a result of the Pema-walks) is , even though the instruction is to stay in the moment, the mind (my mind) wants to be elsewhere.
I say that I want to spend time with my Nan, but when I’m there, the mind wants to be in bed with a book.
It’s like there’s a constant straining at the leash, to always be slightly forward, somehow.
Good to see, as there are times (moments) when I realised it and could come back to being where I was.
Sometimes, believe it or not, by Finding Five.
I know - following my own advice. Who’da thunk?
Reminder to self: Be careful of surprise
It’s fine to plan for dealing with the emotions that can be predicted, but surprise makes me immediately defensive. Apparently.
What is this reinforcing?
Major major: asking myself, ‘What is this reinforcing?’ is immensely good at getting me to take action.
Feels similar to what keeps me meditating every(ish) day – like an investment in me in 40 years time.
For example, I have been terrible at finishing books. Terrible.
Thinking about what pattern I want to be reinforcing, or, more like, what pattern do I want to have reinforced helps me to stick to things, where a big old declaration of intention lasts about 9 days.
So choosing to finish the book I’m reading rather than start a new one by keeping my eye on the pattern means I really am finishing it.
Might need reminding of this…
Meta-blogging noticings
Now that I’ve realised I’m doing two things here - learning about conflict and learning about ‘authentic’ blogging – it seems to be important to notice what I’m learning about that too.
Here are a couple…
Ready is a feeling
I wrote that in a note last week. It’s something I’ve been telling people about presentations for years – don’t wait to feel ready, it’s just a feeling.
I’m having to remember this about blogging too: I will rarely feel ready to hit Publish – not if I’m going to have any longevity blogging regularly whilst having a life.
Doesn’t mean what I’m writing isn’t any good (nor does feeling ready mean the post is any good).
The blog needs its own rhythm
Following on from the mind’s wanting to be elsewhere (see above), it also wants to feel like it’s in control, like it’s making decisions.
Like it knows best about my baby six-week blog that doesn’t even know it’s born yet.
I think I want to do longer, separate posts on most of the things you’ve just read about, but it’s ending up being in the Friday noticings.
At the moment.
I can either relax with that, or resist it.
Resisting it leads to blog-freeze.
So, er, I’m going with the allowing.
My aspiration: to allow the blog to come from flow, rather than from the tiny mind’s need to control.
We’ll see how that goes.
In-other-news noticings
Winter is a constant hunt for accessories
I seem to spend my whole life at the moment thinking, ‘Where’s my… lipbalm, gloves, scarf, wallet, phone(s), coat, boots.’
It’s much simpler in the tropics.
Rhythm
Even as an extremely good speller, and despite having typed it 30 times or so in the past few days, I still have to concentrate to type ‘rhythm’.
Had to do it there.
There’s just no rhythm to it.
Har har.
***
Phew. Are your really still reading?
Blimey.
Been quite week, tackling the mind, being gentle, finding time to nurture the blog, to still exercise, still meditate, and yet meet up with the family.
Thanks for sticking with me.
See you… Monday?
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