I find some benefit sometimes from exploring the thought that
What you want others to do is what you want you to do.
For example, the other day I was getting annoyed with a Person I Care About. I was struggling with a deadline, and this Person was not behaving how I wanted them to behave.
I found myself thinking:
I wish they would stop being so worried and grumpy.
After a few hours of internal stomping around like this, I finally had a flash of clarity.
I wondered if the reverse of that was true.
So I experimented in my head:
I wish I would stop being worried and grumpy.
Immediate relief.
That statement was so ridiculously, obviously true, that my whole mood shifted (and, mystery-of-mysteries, I stopped worrying so much and became much less grumpy – huh).
Thing is, it hadn’t occurred to me that that might be the case until I asked myself the question.
Hector Projector
I’m not entirely sure of the mechanism of what psych-types might call ‘projection’ but I can intuit a bit of how it might work.
We get sensitive to a certain aspect of our situation, and so get sensitive in general to that aspect.
Then we start spotting it (see folk example: yellow cars) around us. Or even inventing it.
I find that exploring this can be really helpful, especially when we are mind-reading people’s intentions. All part of becoming less certain about what’s going on for other people.
Thoughts?
Comment loveliness: Stuff you know/notice about projection, when you see this happening.
Comment unloveliness: places where this just doesn’t work. I am not saying that everyone use this in every situation, just that at times I find it useful.
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Funnily enough, I ran across Byron Katie’s ‘The Work’ the other day, and this is the big exercise she gets people to use to recognise that what we “know” about others is just what we know deep down about ourselves and couched in assumptions about other people.
They do say that the things we can’t abide in others are the things we can’t abide about ourselves.
Which is a bit of a sod, as it means I have lots of work to do..!
Hi Karen
I freaking LOVE Byron Katie’s work. Inquiry is my go-to method when I’m really freaking out/procrastinating. Love. It.
And, yeah, with you on the lots of work to do. Bummer.
Twitter: slackermomspeak
Really interesting! I never thought about it this way but I’m sure I do it all the time. I’m going to consider this the next time I’m feeling irritated with someone else (particularly my kids – I suspect that’s where it happens most).
Hi Jessica – hyuh, home life is where most of us apply these lessons!
My first reaction to this post was: “Hector Projector should be a puppet who looks like a slide projector.” And then I asked myself, “Should Hector Projector be a puppet? Or should I be a puppet?” And then I imagined all the conversations I’d have with myself if I was a puppet holding another puppet. And then I realized it was almost 1am and well past my bedtime. But thank you for the reminder not to take my own projection so personally.
Kelly!
Thank you for popping in.
We can collaborate on the puppets.
Pop by in the middle of the night any time you like.
If you see what I mean.