There’s a funny thing that happens sometimes and it normally involves me saying (ornery voice):
Well, I didn’t mean it like that!
I first came across this laid out in the pretty damn good Difficult Conversations
In an emotional exchange, there are two things.
Imagine…
(My head) My intention carried by my words, which create…
(Your heart) impact on you.
(Your head) Your intention carried by your words which create…
(My heart) impact on me.
Here’s the rub.
I can only clearly know what’s going on on my side of the exchange: my intention and the impact I receive.
We tend to:
a) presume the impact of our words will be the same as our intention
b) mind-read the intention of the other person by the impact that their words had on us.
And sneakily, forget that we’ve done both of those calculations.
Upshot (a) : If our words don’t have the impact we intended, we are at the very least surprised.
Upshot (b) : If their words hurt us, we tend to think that they intended to hurt us.
What do you mean you’re angry?
No no no…
Warning! Defenses activated! Whoop whoop…
(Especially for me, who has a Thing about being judged unfairly and that everyone must not be angry – at least not at me.)
My sanctimonious well-that-wasn’t-my-intention habit is perhaps not the most helpful one.
What might be more helpful
~ Deal first with the impact that my words had, as if it had been my intention.
~ Say sorry.
~ Let them be feeling what they’re feeling, listen to what they want to say, or not.
~ Find out, when it’s right, what I could do differently next time.
All the while, letting myself feel what I’m feeling, but working on seeing if I have a Thing, and maybe gently letting my feelings settle before acting on them.
(Yeah, let’s file that under Easier Said Than Done and Work In Progress and Something To Aspire To.)
Realistically…
I think practically what I’d like to try out is when someone reacts ‘badly’ to something I’ve said is to make the first words that come out of my mouth be:
Oh, crap. I’m sorry.
…and then make an effort to shut the hell up for a minute, breathe, go wide, shut up and listen.
Bloody mind reading
Now we know how hard-wired mind-reading is, right?
What helps here when I’m mind reading someone else’s intentions is to Find Five other possible explanations, to think what else might have provoked their words. Often I’ve forgotten what else is going on in their life, what their Things are, and find that what they had to say has little to do with me.
However, if I let my defensive Inner Fighter get control of the emotions and the mouth, I often don’t find that out til much later.
***
Hmm… Impact. Intention. Mind reading.
Thoughts?
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
This is toughest to do with the people you love the most – especially family, where a lifetime of assumptions have built up.
I’m trying to understand how old my Inner Justifier is – is she a kid? – a teenager? Where in my life did she come from, and can she understand that things have changed substantially in my life since then? Can I understand that she’s trying to protect me, not sabotage me by escalating problems?
Twitter: victoriashmoria
Ooh…great stuff here.
The scenarios you described really highlight the whole “my Stuff vs. their Stuff” thing.
And the idea of sovereignty – I’m me regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. And they’re them, too…and I can still be me while letting them be them.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that my biggest challenge with these situations is when I’m not able to let them have their Stuff. As though some part of me believes that acknowledging (and allowing) their Stuff is an implicit guilty verdict for me.
Which begs the question – why does it come down to guilty vs. innocent? Whoa.
My brain gears, they are a-turning. Again. Thank you.