I’m thinking that if as a recovering interrupter I can become conscious of my beliefs about conversation, perhaps I can learn how to stop interrupting and how to actually start listening.
Here’s what I have so far…
What interrupters (unconsciously) believe
- It is important that I say what is in my head.
- If I don’t say what is in my head to say, part of the conversation’s potential will have been lost.
- The conversation needs my input.
- I need to plan my response.
- If it were silent in my head, I wouldn’t know what to say.
- I can know where you’re going before you’ve finished.
- As soon as I know where you’re going, you might as well stop.
- When I talk about my own experience/knowledge of the topic, it shows I am listening.
- The purpose of you speaking is to spark my thinking.
- Speaking is contributing.
***
Comments – you know I love ‘em.
Listeners: How do your beliefs differ?
Interrupters: Which parts of this ring true? Anything I’ve left out? Any recovering interrupters got some experience to share?
(I know that’s a false dichotomy – but people often do know more about one side than the other!)
Comment rules: Only half-baked ideas please. No dogma/ideology/frameworks/advice.
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Andrew
This list feels very incisive and familiar; well done for managing to nail these down.
I often feel that (re 2) the whole of the conversation’s potential might get lost, because there’s so much more still coming at me after I cease to be able to process it. I quite often think about this in terms of information load; that if I could somehow hold onto more concepts at once (like my husband does or like my friends do), I might need to interrupt less. How much of that is self-justification, I’m not really sure.
See, my thought is maybe we don’t *need* to hold all if our responses in our head. Maybe we can let the opportunity to speak go – like, really let it go – and allow the conversation to unfold without our active ‘stewardship’.
Sometimes.
Maybe…
I’m an interrupter. I seem to believe that a conversation that moves quickly is more passionate and more fun. Behind that belief is the conviction that I think/analyze more quickly than most people, which means I am smarter, and therefore most qualified to set the pace of discussion. (ouch)
I really do suspect that there are conversations where interrupting is an acceptable form of passion – I speak sone Spanish, and, well, at times if you don’t fight your way in, yoi don’t get to speak at all.
The smartness/setting the pace thing? I have *no* idea what you mean…
*blinks*
Cringing in self-recognition. All of these are embarrassingly true. Even when I stop myself from interrupting, I feel the urges. It’s like interruption is a drug I’ll never lose my craving for. Or maybe that’s just another one of my stories to help myself feel better about the fact that right now, all I wanna do is interrupt.
I think that the first step (ha!) is to be aware of the urges and at times not act on them.
Interrupting and the urge *to* interrupt are 2 separate things. Maybe the addiction would lessen uf we didn’t feed it so much…
Also, I wonder at unmet internal needs that give us the urge.
Visibility? The need to not be overlooked?
Sometimes I think my lonely inner nerd is just so *happy* to have *someone* to talk to…
Nicely done! I am an interrupter striving very hard to become a listener. I struggle with making my mind quiet down and stop background thinking/analyzing so that I can really focus on what the other person is saying. Thank you for writing this list – it gives me something concrete to work from when I’m telling my mind to BE QUIET and listen!
Hey Jess
Glad it’s helpful.
I’m trying to work out *something* that’s more useful than ‘SHUT UP!’
Will keep you posted!
I can relate to this list… esp 6 & 7 “I can know where you’re going before you’ve finished.” and “As soon as I know where you’re going, you might as well stop.”
For me it gets worse when I am stressed and seems to be a time saving thing. I interrupt people in an attempt to move the conversation along. If I have lots of time or am feeling chilled out I am actually a really good listener!
I find sometimes my brain goes too fast and people can’t talk fast enough to keep up! Its really annoying for me and the poor person trying to have a conversation with me! I bet I come across as rude and arrogant.
Hi Julia
It’s good to hear that you *can* listen in some circumstances. I think that’s probably true of a lot of us ( if I’m in full-on coaching/support mode, for example), and I think if we look at what’s different in those situations, especially internally, we might find something useful…
Oh good grief, that is so completely me. How embarrassing.
I’ve actually argued to my husband that my interrupting is an efficiency thing. If there’s a way to speed up the conversation, why not do it for the sake of saving time? I guess that’s kind of along the lines of #7.
Hi Amy
I wonder if we misunderstand the *purpose* of conversation sometimes. Most of the time, efficiency isn’t the most important aspect, but, yes, the interrupting part seems to think it is…
I also wonder, when we’re not listening, if that’s when we firget there’s another person in there… In our conversation partner, I mean. Sometimes I get so focussed on what’s buzzing ’round my head that I lose contact with who I’m talking to, and the fact that they might have needs too…
Hmm…
I recognize quite a few of these, especially 6 and 7. In fact, it’s only reading this that I realise how annoying it must be. Also, I know that someone’s when I interrupt I can have this rushed sense that unless I become fairly aggressive, I’m never going to have the chance to speak.
Hi Jane
I think at times that is true- we do need to fight our way in sometimes.
However, you’re right, the impact on others when we do that out of habit… that’s what I’m interested in… that we have more options…
Thanks for popping by! Nice to have you here…
Honeys, I hope you’re all subscribed to the comments, as I want to say sorry for not replying…
Don’t know what happened- I was thrilled you all came by, abd with such honest thoughts, and then something on me just got stuck somehow…
Aiieeee.
Anyway- thanks! Belated, but genuine…