So, you know how I talk about how being less certain is an essential part of conflict resolution?
Well, wow. Being less (than) certain can be deeply deeply uncomfortable.
I wrote yesterday about my spiritual-path crisis (as a result of being less certain – ironic, eh?)
What I notice today is that I’m feeling such a pressure to resolve this dissonance.
Yet, really, uncertainty is probably a more accurate picture than faith – especially in spiritual matters.
Uncertainty is largely an illusion
I mean, I really don’t know what the ‘right’ choice is here, so being certain, ‘knowing’, would actually be inappropriate.
I have no firm data that meditation will lead to awakening, nor that awakening is either real, nor will make any difference.
So I wonder at continuing to practice in the face of uncertainty, in the face of lack of faith.
Knowing is not truth
I see ‘knowing’ leading all sorts of people towards all sorts of things, and when those certainties differ, often they lead to conflict or at the very least superiority/dismissal or judgement.
Yet it’s really difficult to operate without certainty.
I’m noticing.
Especially when it relates to something pretty central in your life.
May I remember this when I am glib in talking about being less certain.
It’s tough.
Opening to uncertainty
And opening in the face of uncertainty?
Tough.
I vacillate:
Right! – I’ll choose the Buddhist meditation.
Right!- I’ll stay on with my current meditation school.
Right! – I’ll stay on but EXPLORE the parts that interest me.
The Right! leads to relief.
But opening without the Right!?
Oy.
Oof.
Purpose is just a sensation
The opening steps are helpful when I remember them, but aren’t a total solution (there I go again – wanting a solution).
Then Robert Burton reminds me (on the bus, from his book, you understand) that a sense of meaning/purpose is just that – a sensation.
And as a sensation it often happens without any apparent stimulus to support it (and is then experienced as a spiritual awakening of sorts), and when the feeling of purpose and meaning isn‘t there, we just wait for it to return.
And if it doesn’t return, we presume something is physically wrong (and fix it with pills).
So, it seems that purpose is omnipresent and ordinary, with its absence being a sign of malfunction.
The hard work of opening
Maybe opening to deep uncertainty might be a real test of the ability to open.
All in just my second week of my Year of Opening.
Oh god.
What have I let myself in for?
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Comment loveliness: witnessing/cheering/cheery waving/your stories.
Comment horribleness: advice.
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Uncertainty. Yes, it hurts.
Interesting thoughts around certainty/knowing/purpose being sensations. Also faith. Is our culture causing our brains to be wired in such a way as to crave these sensations, even though they’re unhelpful?
As a big fan of science (the kind where everything is uncertain really but you go with what works best so far, not the kind where people think they have magic answers) it feels right. Though of course, that’s just a sensation, yes?
Hmmm – truth, reality, it’s all unknown, uncertain. The fact that these ideas both scare me and fascinate me means that I for one am very interested in this. But then, is that just my brain’s reward system at work?! (oy indeed)