Before I get into expert mode, a little self-importance-balloon-popping.
Disclaimer-type story
This year me and some friends were discussing Lent. One friend was giving up chocolate.
I said I might give up interrupting people.
My friends literally laughed until they cried.
So, yeah – I’ve got a lot to learn about listening.
Here are, however, my initial thoughts – kind of benchmarking where I am before I really start trying it out.
Active listening is evil
There is something fundamentally wrong about ‘active listening’ – all the symptoms of listening without the hassle of actually listening.
Don’t nod – listen!
Stategic listening is evil
Listening solely so you can persuade or find holes that work in your favour? Plain wrong.
Advocacy and Inquiry
Chris Argyris talks a lot about how we need to balance advocacy (making our point of view clear) with inquiry (finding out about other people’s point of view).
I’ve spent a big chunk of my life helping people become extraordinary advocates for their point of view, particularly in the context of public speaking.
I realised a long time ago that this wasn’t the full picture. It was whilst researching facilitation, and group decision-making that I began to really feel the lack of the Inquiry side in my life.
And that, in a funny way, lead to you and me meeting here.
Listening is more allied to opening
Now, I’m not saying that all talking leads to closing, but radical listening is much more closely allied with opening.
Interrupting too often comes from closing
From watching myself, interrupting comes when I arrogantly assume I know where someone else is going, and so I jump ahead.
Interrupting too often leads to closing
The people close to me have had to learn over the years to be ok with being talked over. This I am not proud of. And too often, interrupting leads to a hardening.
Listening brings space
Especially in a conflict situation, listening can lead to space between action and response – exactly what is needed to bring some balance.
My curse: The overwhelming need to talk
This week (and perhaps this year, this life) my challenge is to at least watch my overwhelming need to speak and see what happens when I ask a question or at least shut up when someone else is talking.
Let you know how it goes on Friday.
At least I’m not a sentence-finisher.
Things that deserve their own article
~ Advocacy vs Inquiry
~ The Tell-me-more buffer
~ Listening for feelings and needs
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I can certainly relate to this! When I interrupt others, it often seems to be coming from a place of anxiety or insecurity, with a subtext along the lines of, “Yes, yes, I know! I understand you, already! See how smart and/or empathic I am? Like me, please, please like me!”
Yeah. Not pretty, is it?
With the holiday season just around the bend, it feels like an excellent time for me to focus on listening, and opening, and trusting. Thanks for the inspiration! I’ve just become a subscriber, and will look forward to reading more.
Ah – listening over the holidays – there’s an article waiting to be written!
Thanks for subscribing – fills me with glee being a re-born new blogger!
Back when I taught preschool we were trained in “active listening.” It was actually pretty effective on my four-year-olds. Then one of the other teachers used it on me. Eeeeeeeew. It wasn’t heartfelt listening at all, more like manipulation to make you think I’m listening. End of active listening.
I know I have a problem with interrupting people. I have a head injury and listening takes so much more cognitive attention than babbling out of your own mouth. It’s not intentional by any means, but I know I interrupt when my brain just can’t take it anymore. Knowing the why doesn’t make it fell any better though.
Listening is hard work, dad-gum it!
I know I’m guilty of masquerading as a listener. I realize I’ve gone off the deep end when I feel like my little cocker spaniel. He always walked in front of me, having some deep-seated need to get wherever we were going first. He was often unsure which way we were going, so he’d turn his head back toward me to make sure I was going the right way…all while still moving forward, mind you. He ran into a lot of walls and door jambs. Sometimes I feel like that. I thought I knew where the conversation was going, so I jumped right in, but then WHAM! I ran into a door jamb. Not pretty.
Hi Andrew,
I am SOOO appreciating your way of wording things, your intention in supporting people to learn more about themselves and about what they bring to the table in conversation – and really everything in life.
I especially liked how you said you are more likely to interrupt when tired, hungry or grumpy – I can TOTALLY relate – and this is so true!
Sidenote: I visited you on twitter and I thought I was the only one that said, “Sheesh!” (haven’t tweeted it yet but I do say it – often)
@ Mahala – Interesting that listening takes more cognitive load than talking. *stores that away*
@Sherron – conversational doorjambs – LOOK OUT! Eep.
@Maya- Sheesh, I thought it was just me.