The fourth principle/habit/practice/key/secret/thing of my four principles/habits/practices/keys/secrets/things that I think might help with fighting less is (adopts deep and wise voice):
4. Speak Mindfully
Ok.
A bit of meta-blogging.
My Inner Expert is desperate that I not write this article in this way.
He keeps talking about things like ‘a comprehensive framework’ and that people will scoff if I just churn out stuff that everyone has heard of like Non-Violent Communication, and even, dun-dun-dun, things that seem like active listening (especially after last week when I might have called active listening ‘evil‘).
So, Inner Expert…
Where Andrew has a private conversation with his Inner Expert
I appreciate your efforts to protect my credibility and not have me be laughed at.
Things here are aren’t quite like school, so you will notice that I’m going to write a bit differently than you prefer.
Remember, people have subscribed and commented so far, even with very little experting going on.
And we can delete the bullies if they turn up.
Ok?
Ok.
So.
There’s maybe something about speaking mindfully
Yes, there’s something about listening first, and keeping listening, and listening some more, but there’s also a time to speak when it’s time.
And when you speak, I think there’s something about choosing your words.
Something about not just blurting out whatever comes into your head, especially in the heat of the moment.
Something about expressing yourself perhaps a little tentatively, provisionally.
Something about speaking from as close to fact as possible, taking out some of the judgement and presuppositions.
Something about saying ‘I’, ‘From my perspective…’, ‘It seems to me…’, ‘I’m wondering…’.
Something about thinking how to frame things so that they don’t trigger people’s patterns.
Something about saying sorry, for your part.
Something about finding what you agree on first.
Something about doing your best to acknowledge the other person’s feelings and needs.
Something about expressing the impact someone’s actions had/have on you.
Something about maybe speaking a little more gently than you think is necessary.
There’s totally more…
I have so much to say about speaking… that I think I’d better leave it to compost for a bit.
My challenge this week:
Be mindful of the words I say and the way I say them and my part in the impact they have.
Books that immediately come to mind on this topic that I could and maybe should write a post or two about:
- How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk – Faber and Mazlish
- Non-Violent Communication – Marshall Rosenberg
- Difficult Conversations – Stone, Patton, Heen & Fisher
- Crucial Conversations/Crucial Confrontations – Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler
- The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defence – Suzette Haden Elgin
***
Ah the speaking, so much to say.
The mindfulness… Hmmm, lots to learn.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I like the style of this communication. It is more real than most of us would like to admit.
Onto content of this post and a question I suppose from my inner communicator (?!)
” No one waits anymore, no one listens, people talk over one another as a matter of course. How am I to be heard if I chose words carefully, unless I learn to do it bloody fast
”
Ok so this is probably coming from a fearful place where disappearing into invisibility in the world is highly likely given recent and current experience at least… :O
I’ve been having a think about this.
The first thing I would do is, of course, to listen to your Inner Communicator – it obviously feels strongly about protecting you from invisibility.
A couple of things that might help it (her?) maybe chill out a bit.
First, we’re just talking about being conscious during conflict situations – not all the time.
Secondly, it’s being a *little* more mindful (especially at the beginning), maybe making a couple of habits that will make *unnecessary* conflict a *bit* less likely. We’re not talking about slowly choosing each word that comes out of your mouth, which I think would be a neurologically impossible task.
Thirdly, the mind’s first instinct is to take options and take them to the two extremes. I wonder whether sometimes there might be a middle way, an ‘and’ – eg is there a way to be more conscious in choosing my words AND be visible?
Thanks for a very real comment – made me think…
Ah missed the ‘conflict situation’ context which then of course makes perfect sense and even my invisibility fearful communicator knows conflict situ’s are a different beast where high alert and total listening is vital before opening mouth and speaking…ok it doesn’t always work but a lot of the time it does!
‘Chill out a bit’ could be a good mantra for me of late….missing chill out mates though, thinking of having to move closer to at least one pod of them.
I am thinking now that it building a practice of this that will stop the complete break down in times of crisis and real conflict. a little Will.