The danger of being less certain

So, it turns out that being less certain can be a bit dangerous.

I’m having a spiritual-path crisis and I think I made it happen by following my own advice.

Never doing THAT again.

Bit o’ background

About six years ago, I started studying with a meditation school, basically because I was training in a particular discipline and the teacher recommended the school (well, required it, actually).

I have meditated in the school’s tradition pretty much every day since then, I’ve gone on courses, read their books, aspired for awakening to their connections, used their method of de-charging emotional scars, hung out a lot with their students and teachers…

In short, the school has been a major part of my life.

Ah the blogging. Ah the nun-crush.

Then, enter this blog and my Pema-walks (walking listening to audio lectures from Pema Chödrön, my Buddhist-nun crush).

It seems that my practice of being less certain and opening has lead to, well… to being less certain that my current school is the right choice for me.

Yeah. Duh. Didn’t see that coming.

And I’m not unaware of a phenomenon that people get when they’ve been going with a particular path for a few years where they’re just about to ‘get somewhere’ and they run away.

Now,  it’s not like I haven’t examined my relationship with the school before – got very angry, wanted to leave… for about 18 months, actually. Standard occurrence.

When I got over/through that, I settled into a quiet pretty much solitary practice, enjoying being out of the dramas and ups and downs of the politics of when any group gets together. And didn’t question that this wasn’t the right path for me.

And yeah I’ve been experimenting with other ways of dealing with emotional blockages (got a lot from Byron Katie’s work, for example. And Pema).

So… I started to think that maybe it was time to make a conscious choice to see if I wanted to change paths.

Now?

I’m totally confused. At times. (Like, quiet crying confused).

Other times I feel pretty clear.

A lot of And’s some So’s, Then’s, a couple of But’s, a How and a Who

(I’m gonna show you what’s going on inside my mind. Be gentle.)

I no longer do the thing that required me to be a part of the school, so…

And the tradition that Pema comes from is based a lot around opening, and awakening (to) the soft spot of compassion in your heart.

And when I read from one of Pema’s books at an open mic night the other night, my friend Natasha said that it really affected her, and made a lot of sense especially coming from me.

And I’ve noticed a fight before between my Intense Spiritual Character and my more chilled out Yoda character.

(The Intense Spiritual Character wants me, if I do change paths, to study Zen – very intense path to enlightenment. And not ‘zen-ish-lite’ that’s been watered down, but ‘good’ ‘pure’ Zen.

Yoda wants me to study more in the Mahayana tradition that Pema speaks from. Or to just basically chill the fuck out.)

And I realise that changing spiritual paths is a major deal.

And I do get a major sense of coming home listening to those teachings.

But is comfort a valid basis for choice?

And am I wandering away from my true path.

And do I have a ‘true’ path?

And I want to spend more time trusting the primary witness of my life – me.

But what do I do with the energetic structures built by my current path?

And what if Tibetan Buddhism doesn’t ‘work’ anymore with the way the world is?

And is a quiet practice a sleepy one, or is the intense one an illusion?

And there are some big ol’ memes involved with Buddhism.

And what if this is just the result of a big old emotional reaction that I don’t realise is happening?

How do I find out?

Who do I speak to?

Things I do, kind of, know

~ I want to carry on meditating – in fact, any path that doesn’t include meditation is not worth it, for me.

~ I need to learn more gentleness with myself.

~ I want to learn from direct experience.

~ I want to have something I can talk about and teach, that isn’t so weird and out there that it’s too far for people to grasp.

~ I don’t really want anything to do with a meme that wants to proselytize itself.

(My spiritual practice/values are pretty central to my life – so changing the style of meditation is pretty significant to me.)

No certainty, dammit.

So, huh.

No real big lesson here, apart from the Being Less Certain? Not always pretty.
***

Not really asking for comments but if you were to leave comments…

Comment Loveliness:

• Witnessing
• Your experiences
• Bit of holding-the-space-ish-ness

Comment horribleness:

• Any attempt to make me feel better
• Even advice might not be received terribly well

That scared everyone off, eh?

There is a more prosaic Be Less Certain post I had in a draft form (in my head, you understand) that may still arrive here in the next couple of days.

In the meantime, I’m off to be quiet and see what I can see.

Thanks for listening.

If you liked this, you might like some of these too...

Opening to uncertainty

Surviving the dangers of getting advice

If only this were my real life