Why you need to work on your (emotional) stuff

I’ve been noticing that a lot of the content here is about me sorting out my stuff.

I mean, yes, blogging is free therapy (thanks Havi).

I’m surprised that despite having about 569 technique article ideas,  I’m not writing much about conflict resolution techniques, but mainly about making me less grumpy.

Knowing your way around your stuff is more important than techniques

The reason you need to be familiar with the patterns of your emotional triggers is that if you’re triggered, you forget it all.

For example, when I get surprised, I find that I go straight into patterns of blame, denial, basically – closing.

Realising that that’s the case, I can find ways to deal with that pattern.

The Stuff-Conflict Interaction

I was thinking about this last night. I think there are three parts to looking at/dealing with your stuff in the context of conflict.

Firstly, you need to decharge your stuff before you get into a conflict situation. This is the making-a-resolution-to-be-peaceful bit.

Secondly, need to work on not having your stuff be triggered in a conflict situation.
Thirdly, you need to be able to not act when you, almost inevitably, do get triggered in a conflict situation. What Pema Chödrön calls refraining.

(Is triggered a jargon-y word? You have to excuse me – I grew up in a house where Shakti Gawain and Sondra Ray books were freely available. Triggered = having something happen which makes you feel something, often out of the blue. Yeah, I know, never happens…)

Knowing techniques is no good if they fall out your head because you go into attack/defense mode. And defense/attack mode happens before you know it.

Well, before I know it.

So, that’s basically why there are a lot of articles/posts/thoughts here about dealing with your (my) stuff.

(Of course, these reasons are in addition to why it’s good to work on your stuff because, er, it’s good to work on your stuff – makes your life work better, makes you a kinder person, and – if you’re a meditator – means you can sit longer.

As my Buddhist-nun-crush Pema said in my ear on my Pema-walk yesterday:

The more we soften, the more intelligent we get.

***

And I plan on using this article/post/thought as permission to process my stuff in front of you for the forseeable future.

Hyuh.

Enjoy.

<grins>

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